no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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