I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So much rum. So many feels.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
