im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
