i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my being single is dangerous.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
