happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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