I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
