omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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