My nipple is on Facebook.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
