Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
