That's when you crack a 10am beer
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize