Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
