omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
