god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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