i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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