I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My ass is underappreciated
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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