I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
