This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize