Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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