Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i need an iv and a liver transplant
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
