Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize