he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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