I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
