she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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