i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize