totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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