And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
