There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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