I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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