oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
