He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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