Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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