i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
