i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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