it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
