On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
