In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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