if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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