i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
