The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
