i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Your mouth is God's brothel.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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