you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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