Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
