Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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