were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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