John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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