I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
