if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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