My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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