Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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