I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we made out on top of his cat.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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