Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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