remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
