God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
