so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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