My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
