It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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