My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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